Copyright (C) 2007 Robert S. Rosson. All rights reserved.
It has been rumored that CBS and MSNBC are preparing to reinstate the morning simulcast of the Don Imus show. This reporter has obtained a copy of a taped segment for review by the networks before allowing live broadcasts to air. Here is the script:
(The studio is shown as before. Don Imus is behind the mike, dressed in a charcoal grey suit, a blue striped shirt with white collar and a rep tie. His hair is cut short and dyed light brown. His eyelids have been surgically tacked up in a wide open position. Across from Imus is Tiki Barber, formerly star running back with the New York Giants, now commentator on the Today Show. He is wearing a navy suit, white dress shirt and quiet plaid tie.)
(Music: The theme from Ode to Joy from Beethoven’s 9th.)
Imus: It’s great to be back on the air. I want to introduce my new sidekick, Tiki Barber, recently retired running back for the New York Giants.
Tiki: Thank you Don. It’s great to be here. Your first guest today is Rabbi Jacob Feldstein of Temple Beth Shalom in Passaic, New Jersey.
Imus: Greetings Rabbi. It’s a pleasure to have you with us. What brings you to see us?
Rabbi: Thank you for having me, Mr. Imus. We wanted you to know that the Sisterhood of our Temple is having an art show of paintings and sculpture from Israel and we’re inviting you to come.
Imus: That’s wonderful! I don’t know if I can make it but I’ll have Tiki see that you get a check for $1000 for the Sisterhood. By the way how are things in Israel these days?
Rabbi: Bless you Mr. Imus. Things in Israel are much the same—an uneasy truce-always the potential for violence.
Imus: Well I hope you people kick some butt over there!
Tiki: Watch it I-man!
Imus: Oops, I forgot. May there be eternal peace for all in the Holy Land. Thank you Rabbi for coming in.
Tiki: Joining us now is Herman Budge, President of the Fatpeople’s Club of America.
(Enter a young man, weighing at least 250 pounds. He is wearing a white T-shirt and jeans.)
Herman: Good morning Mr. Imus.
Imus: Good morning. Tell me about the Fatpeople’s Club.
Herman: Well, we’re a group of men and women who don’t believe all this “obesity epidemic” stuff and believe you should eat what you want when you want it.
Imus: That’s marvelous! We need more people like you in this country. Otherwise McDonalds and Burger King would go broke. Keep up the good work! Who’s next, Tiki?
Tiki: Welcome Mr. Karl Rove, Assistant to President Bush.
Imus: Hello, Rovey. You’re doing a heckova job.
Rove: That what Bushie always says. I’m glad to see you’re back, I-Man.
Imus: How are things now that the Plame thing is settled? And what about the firing of those eight prosecutors?
Rove: Well, Scooter took one for the team, and now it looks as if Gonzo will have to do the same.
Imus: Now that we’ve gotten rid of Brownie and Rummy, who’s next?
Rove: Who knows? Maybe Wolfie. In any case I’ll still be around.
Imus: I’m sure you will. Thanks for coming in.
Tiki: Our next guest in a minute--after this message.
(Commercial: This program is brought to you by The Center for Civilized Discourse in America. Now that Mr. Imus has atoned for his previous sins, we welcome him back to the airways and expect him to be a poster child for dignified and respectful dialogue among all members of our society. Now back to Imus in the Morning.)
(Music: Wagner: Siegfried Theme)
Tiki: Joining us now by telephone is 11 year-old Bobby Jenkins from Seattle, Washington. He’s the winner of the National Student Science Fair.
Imus: Congratulations and welcome, Bobby. What was your project?
Bobby: I designed a method to get man safely to Mars and back.
Imus: Wow! Tell me about your mother and father.
Bobby: My mother is a school science teacher and I don’t have a father. My other mother is an engineer who works for Boeing.
Imus: Isn’t that terrific? I’d love to meet your two mommies. We’ll have to have you visit us here in New York with them.
Tiki: That‘s it for today. Be sure to tune in tomorrow morning when our guests will be the Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.
(Camera fades back.)
(Music: Opening theme from Beethoven’s 5th.)
Published thoriginally in YJHM May 7, 2007
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