copyright (C) 2003 Robert S. Rosson. All rights reserved.
The time is October, 2008; the place, CNN Studios in New York City. Dr. Howard Dean and Dr. Bill Frist are squaring off for the last presidential debate before the election of 2008. The moderator is Anderson Cooper.
Cooper: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to this presidential campaign debate sponsored by the League of Women voters and the American Medical Association. Let’s greet our two candidates: first for the Democrats—Dr. Howard Dean, an internist, former Governor of Vermont and unsuccessful candidate for President in 2004: welcome Dr. Dean.
Dean: Thanks Anderson, it’s good to be here. You’re looking a bit tired; stop by my office for a check-up sometime.
Cooper: And the Republican candidate—Dr. Bill Frist, cardiac transplant surgeon and U.S. Senate Majority Leader.
Frist: A great pleasure, Mr. Cooper. Eat your heart out! Just a joke, son.
Cooper: Now for the rules of engagement. I shall ask each of you a question sent in by our viewing audience. You each have one minute to reply and then one minute for rebuttal. By coin toss Dr. Frist will go first. Dr. Frist—what do you think of the current situation in Iraq?
Frist: Well, I’m pleased with the situation on the ground. We’re down to 32 Americans wounded each day and our base hospitals are operating at full capacity. We have established Iraqicare for the citizens of Iraq and all are being treated promptly for their car bomb wounds at no cost.
Dean: Holy Hippocrates Bill! Iraqicare is only for the rich bureaucrats and the oil moguls. We’re doing nothing for the average Iraqi, the little guy, the ordinary rug merchants.
Cooper: Dr. Dean: if you become President what will you do about taxes and the deficit?
Dean: Well Anderson when I’m President I’ll increase Medicare premiums for everyone whose income is over $24,000 and reduce them to zero for everyone else. We need to provide total health care to everyone, especially the average citizen, the little guy, the man in the street, the guy with the pickup truck flying the Confederate flag.
Frist: That’s nonsense, Howard, you Quack! We’re already providing free health care to everyone from cradle to grave and paying for it with a 50% flat tax. And as you know because of the doctor shortage we’re providing everyone with his or her own alternative medicine unlicensed provider.
Cooper: Dr. Dean: what……
Dean: Galloping Galen, Bill, you Witch Doctor! Our healthcare system is a joke. The average life expectancy is down from 76 to 61 years and still falling and all because of the policies you fugitives from “ER” put into place the past eight years.
Frist: Howard, you reject from “Dr. Kildare”! If your fellow liberals hadn’t insisted on changing Medicare to Toticare, we’d have been able to balance the budget and not have to close the medical schools due to lack of applications.
Dean: Meandering Mayo, Frist! What in Hades are you talking about?
Cooper: Gentlemen! Doctors! This is getting out of hand. Fortunately our time is up. I want to thank the League of Women Voters and the AMA for their sponsorship of this event and encourage all of you to go to the polls in November. Please note that the polling places are all now in your local hospitals, instead of schools. Each of you will receive a free cholesterol test and DNA profile in the voting booth.
Announcer: Stay tuned for “Larry King Live”. Larry’s guests tonight include Mark Geragos, Johnny Cochrane, Nancy Grace and Dr. Henry Lee, discussing the latest developments in the Scott Peterson murder trial and the fourth Michael Jackson child molestation case.
Published originally in YJHM December 21, 2003
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