Dr. President

Robert S. Rosson, M.D.
Copyright (C) 2002 Robert S. Rosson. All rights reserved.

New Senate Leader Gives Aid at a Florida Car Crash Scene. Headline, New York Times, January 3, 2003.

Senator Bill Frist (R) of Tennessee, the new Majority Leader, once again had the opportunity to use his skills as a surgeon when he assisted at this trauma scene.  He had previously given aid at the time of a shooting episode at the Capitol.

Fast forward now to February 1, 2009.  Newly elected President Bill Frist is in the Oval Office, having narrowly defeated Hillary Clinton in a hard fought, bitter election.  (Florida’s electronic machines worked well; the state went to Frist.)  Saddam Hussein is still in power, while the UN Inspectors are in the midst of their sixth series of inspections looking for weapons of mass destruction.

* * ** *

White House Operator:  Mr. President, Saddam Hussein is on the line from Baghdad.

Frist:  Hello Sodom, this is Gomorrah, heh, heh.

Saddam: What?  I want to speak to Mr. Dr. President.

Frist: This is he.  Just a reference to the Bible—the only true religious revelation.

Saddam:  But what about the Koran?

Frist:  The Koran is a country that George W. leveled in 2002 when they claimed to be restarting their nuclear (or as he would say “nuc-u-lar”) weapons program, heh, heh.

Saddam:  What in the name of Kuwait are you talking about?  

Frist: Just a joke Saddam, old boy.  By the way what did you call me about?

Saddam:  Mr. Dr. President.  I have developed a severe case of heart failure and my doctors tell me I need a heart transplant.

Frist:  Yeah. So why are you telling me about it?

Saddam:  I want you to do the surgery.

Frist:  Are you crazy?  First of all I’m a little out of practice.  Secondly no chimpanzee in his right mind would donate a heart to you, much less a human being.

Saddam:  Not to worry.  I have three thousand political prisoners who are dying to give me a new heart.

Frist:  But I am the leader of a country that regards you as a member of the Axis of Evil.  How would it look if I saved your life?

Saddam:  First of all, if you don’t agree to do it I’ll fire all my Scuds at Israel, armed with all the nuclear, chemical and biological weapons that I don’t have, heh, heh.

Secondly, if I die under your care you’ll make the whole free world and the people of Iraq happy, and if I survive you’ll be a hero to all Islam.  I’ll destroy all the weapons of mass destruction (which I don’t have, heh, heh), and you might even get some of those seventy-two virgins we reserve for martyrs.  Either way you can’t lose.

Frist:  I’ll have to think about it.  Meanwhile take two anthrax and call me in the morning.

Published originally in YJHM: January 10, 2003